She told me it was my fault. I believed her.
If I try harder, listen closer, and do what she says, then we'll be okay.
But the goal posts kept moving...
If this feels familiar, you're in the right place.
And you're not alone.
I spent most of my life struggling silently, and that silence cost me dearly.
Don't wait to talk to the people who love you. Don't wait to find support that will be helpful.
Don't wait to share who you are.
Depression landed on me at 13. I spent the next 28 years trying to solve pain, mine and others.
From 13 to 41, I went to church a lot, had extreme health issues, missed a year of school, kinda tried to kill myself a few times, fell in love, got my heart broken, stayed up all night talking to people thousands of times, laughed a lot, my mom died, I got married, was emotionally abused in the marriage, got divorced, and I've been in love twice since getting divorced.
It turns out, I can't solve pain. I let the pain define me, and the weight crushed me.
So, here I am at 41 to say, you can get through this. You are worthwhile. You can heal.
David Weitzel was on the floor of a Target, his fingers locked into claws, his body shutting down, before he understood what eight years of marriage had done to him.
It's been a year since he left his wife.
This is the raw, present-tense story of surviving an emotionally abusive marriage — and the slow, painful work of finding himself again on the other side of it. Told in short, unflinching scenes and the unedited poems he wrote just to stay sane.
It isn't a book about villains. It's about how love's voice gets used to make you disappear — and how you find your way back.
If you've ever wondered whether it's "bad enough," whether you're the problem, or whether you're allowed to leave — this was written for you.
You might experience your abuse alone, but you're not alone in your experience.
Available on AmazonIf you've read the book, an honest review on Amazon would mean a lot to me. Good, bad, indifferent. The feedback will help me understand whether the book is actually helping people.
It tells the story of my mom dying when I was 25 through the eyes of me and my dad.
He healed and thrived.
I thought I healed.
We all belong to groups that decide where our emotional energy goes — whether it's sports, politics, religion, TV shows, etc. But we don't often pause to think, do I actually want to give my emotional energy to this group? It's a slippery slope from there, and we can't tell we're falling.
First person, raw, uncensored depression. This is how it actually feels for those of us who have hit the bottom of despair.
I'm a Christian. I've seen God used for Good. I've seen God used for Evil. The Church is full of people looking for salvation, forgiveness, community, and answers — which means they're emotionally vulnerable. When a religious leader says they speak FOR God, we should question, not believe. So, I want to figure out, are they selling their personality? Or are they pointing to God?
I have a ton of poems from ages 16 to 41, workshopping ideas on how to share them in an interesting way.
I don't always have to say how I feel What I think doesn't change things When my partner's mad It trumps that I feel sad So I fade to the background That's how she feels And she wouldn't lie It's not hard to compromise But the truth remains Silence. Isn't. Free.
I like to think I'm strong inside When I close my eyes I just need rest to show up tomorrow My eyes open I repeat my daily refrain I choose to love you today That's all I can control And the cycle starts again
The way you feel is wrong I wish you didn't hurt But that doesn't make your words right These so-called "fights" add up Until I've had enough But I won't choose me So I pay the price Dim my light And fade further into the background Convince myself it's how she feels So it can't be a lie I'm the BEST at compromise But the truth remains Silence. Isn't. Free.
I've added some vices to my life They help me survive I tell myself it's alright Marriage is really hard Everyone says so Kids, periods, and finances I'm great at keeping the status quo Making sure my pain doesn't show My definition of love has changed The younger me was naïve As my light extinguishes And I become the background I hear her say why did it get so dark But I can't help anymore I have no voice to speak Silence. Isn't. Free.
It's easy to love you every moment Zero regret in the time spent Hard decisions aren't made in the present They're lived in the perseverance after the event
The enemy is in the accumulation The dozens, the hundreds, the thousands of little humiliations All the times you told me I didn't do What happened to everything I did do?
The high road is lost My confidence will be the cost To pay for calm, to pay for sanity But I can't pay that confidently
The enemy is the accumulation The dread of anticipation The next poignant punctuation All the times we did good The mundane hopelessness in the phrase we could…
The enemy is accumulation Can't picture salvation Only the next time you feel—we'll reel Being real doesn't make you right It makes us wrong
I thought we were living life together Because we lived life together I thought we would turn chaos into order Because why would anyone want to live in chaos Then I realized we're not an us You're a you, and I'm a we To put it simply
I adjusted, changed, tried, fought, prayed, and gave every ounce of my affection On reflection—I see that all she sees is her reflection But I always see and hear her Like we're standing on opposite sides of a two-way mirror
The chaos always leaves you in tears Seems like chaos should be the pinnacle of your fears Despite my cheers—you frantically searched for jeers I lost everything during those 8 years
This site isn't a substitute for professional support. If you're in crisis or in danger, please reach out to someone who can help. In the U.S., these are free, confidential, and available 24/7.
Outside the U.S.? findahelpline.com lists free crisis lines by country.
You're not weak. You're not stupid.
The abuse isn't about you. It's about the abuser.
And it's okay to leave.
I read every message. I can't always reply, and I'm not able to offer counseling here — but I'd love to hear from you.
This form isn't monitored for emergencies. If you need help right now, please use the resources above.